Relationships

Hello!  A big smile and hug. I'm Neena Nerkar, thank you for reading my blog.  It's been a while since I wrote and I hope this long entry will make up for my absence in the last few weeks.  I've been busy updating my website, please have a look as I would really appreciate your feedback: www.loveandwisdom.net.

I went to a marketing seminar last month where a charismatic speaker talked about the importance of first building good relationships in order to build up sales.  I instantly recognised what he was talking about; he even quoted Deepak Chopra which heightened my interest even more.  However my pitha dosha mind inquired did he actually believe this rhetoric himself as a way of living and being or was he just following his own advice in order to get results or sales?  He was obviously a very good salesman because all the people in the room were hooked; we'd taken the bait.

A few days later I was talking to a woman who I'd I met at that seminar and I smiled when she later said she was just interested in "building relationships".  Oh dear, that pitha questing mind of mine raised some doubts once again as to the authenticity of the words. (According to Ayurvedic science, people like me with a dominant pitha dosha constitution tend to be a little too quick to judge at times).

In my opinion, all too often people quote or latch on to some jargon they have heard for many reasons - perhaps because they feel clever by repeating it as their own, they feel clever because they are able to quote the text and the source or maybe they feel they are saying what the other person wants to hear in order to try and force some kind of connection. 

Great poetry and speeches have an amazing way of summing up what we have all experienced at some time in our lives.  We connect with this succinct poetic notion because these are words spoken from the heart not from the mind.  These proverbs, parables, poetry and the like are indeed inspiring when respectfully remembered and recited at the appropriate hour.  However, I feel uneasy with people who frequently quote the words of others because this form of regurgitation generally comes from their intellect and not their hearts.  Why I ask myself, can they not find their own words to convey what they are feeling or thinking.  Inside them is the ability to come up with classic quotes of their own from a place of truth, from honest heart-felt emotion.

In truth good relationships are built on shared values.  This applies to all relationships - our partners, our friends, our business colleagues - they are the people we generally want to spend time with.  We get on with them because underneath it all we share some of the same core values and that's why we feel we can trust them.

Often many relationships break down because we have fallen for people as we admire and respect some of their special qualities we think we do not possess ourselves. However the very fact we recognise that trait means we have the quality ourselves and can develop it further if we choose to.  The same can also be said for qualities we do not like in others because these are attributes we recognise in our own personality.

A break down of communication based on opposing values was clearly demonstrated with the demise of a relationship between a friend of mine and his former employee.  Like many companies he had to re-organise his business in accordance with the current economic climate.  He had given up his own holidays for years, put his house up as collateral and made other sacrifices to keep this employee in a job for almost 2 years.  Eventually he could not afford to do so any more and he reluctantly had to let her go.  To his surprise her actions since her departure have revealed the extent of their differences in their core values and to date she has not been able to see or acknowledge the sacrifices he had made to help her.  

At work their diametrically opposing values would often clash uncomfortably.  Underneath his rough manner lay a man who has a gentle approach to relationships; an astute diplomat who looks at the long term picture, a generous man who put the needs of his staff and others before his own as he strove to make his company green, sustainable and professional; he wanted his business to be built on honest relationships, loyalty, sincerity, openness, attention to detail, friendliness and trust. 

The employee put up with the difference of values, sometimes even attempting to warm to some of the ideas to get the job and to cling on to it for far more years than she should.  Perhaps because she was not true to herself and her values this led to feelings of frustration, anger and as this dissatisfaction raged within her, she became increasingly unhappy.  With hindsight, her dissatisfaction with the work she had been paid to do, should have sent alarm bells ringing on both sides.  Set free of the shackles of the job and her employer's values or codes of conduct, she chose to deal with the relationship by applying her own values and attitudes to business in an aggressive, confrontational, accusatorial manner - in so doing burning the bridges behind her.

Too often we are too quick to blame others for our apparent misfortune or unhappiness.  When what we should be doing is looking within ourselves for the reasons why a relationship went wrong or did not work out the way we would have liked.  We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves and the way we approach challenges in our life.  So many people are unhappy because they do not act on their instincts; they are not true to their values.

Both sides in this story have important lessons to learn about themselves from this experience.  The employer learned that qualifications and other factors which initially looked impressive on paper were clearly not as important as an employee's attitude and values; he was reminded that shared values are the foundation of all good relationships and teamwork.  As the old saying goes, "no matter how you try, you cannot fit a square peg in a round hole." The employee might say what you want to hear in order to clinch the job; by fooling you, she is also fooling her work mates and ultimately fooling herself.  Next time he will look at the values and attitudes of potential new recruits more closely; it will be a key factor which he will not overlook again.

At this time when she is looking for new employment, some quiet soul searching would be beneficial.  To stop for a moment and ask herself what job would really make her happy and, does the potential new employer share her values?  We all need money to live but if monetary reward is your sole objective then you are doomed to unhappiness in your working life which will have a knock on effect on your home life, health and wellbeing. 

You might think you get away with lying or hiding the real reasons or your intentions for wanting the job; in reality by doing so, your selfish action will affect your relationships at work and beyond and in time will also impact on your long term job satisfaction.

Ayurveda recognises that different personalities or doshas shine in particular roles.  Vatas like and need to be creative; they don't like routine and thrive on change.  They make excellent musicians, artists, composers and radical thinkers.   Pithas are very head strong and opinionated, they tend to be good orators and leaders but out of balance they easily get frustrated if things aren't done their way.  Kaphas feel happiest in a steady job; they don't respond well to change and are at their best in un-taxing 9 to 5 jobs without too much responsibility.

Be true to yourself, your values.  Enjoy honest relationships.  It is not an "us and them" battle in the world of work between employers and employees.  Nor is it an "us and them" battle in your personal relationships and friendships.  Better communication and happiness comes from good, honest relationships, shared values and living life in accordance with your values.